Today I feel more optimistic than usual. I applied for something and I'm currently writing my CV for another thing. Maybe I could get both and maybe money wouldn't be a problem. Then we can move to London and feel like real people instead of students. We'll be like fish in water.

Up.

It's 5:33am and I have only slept for one hour. My alarm is set for 8:30. I don't know whether to stay awake or to try and get a little bit more sleep. Maybe I should sleep because I have a busy day and I'm at work for the next two nights.

Something was crawling in my room, so I crawled away. Simple. I went into Jerry's room because I knew he was still up writing his dissertation. I lay in his bed and listened to him work, then I fell asleep. But it wasn't real sleep because I could still hear everything, I could feel pain in my back and I could tell the light was on. But it was something. Now the birds are singing outside and it's light. I'm surprised at how light it is.

I feel good today, but my priorities seem to change so quickly. For the past few days I've been trying to do my work and do it well, but today I just want to pack a bag and go somewhere. I am ready for another Tori tour. I can't explain how good it feels to sit on the floor outside a venue and talk to people you only see every couple of years. The feeling of standing in the middle of a street in Florence listening to Tori soundcheck a song you first heard when you were three.
Gladly, we'll have a tour this year and I get to see her in ten days.It's looking likely that we'll go to Germany to see her this year as well as the UK shows. I would go anywhere in the world.

I searched for 'push up' and this came up, so I'll keep it. Anyway press ups, push ups, whatever. I like the feeling of pushing myself away from the floor or the bed and easing myself back down again. Never touching. There's a control I savour because nobody gets hurt. But it's the blood I don't like. Nothing bleeds, but my head becomes red and I forget to breathe. I am scared of my own heartbeat and the feeling of my head filling up and turning red.