For Heather, best wishes.

I should explain. I know Zadie Smith didn't write Bleak House (even though she told me that she did), but it was the only book I had in my school bag. I haven't met Ted Hughes and I didn't buy that signed book. I just have it. And I haven't met Margaret Atwood- the book was a present.

Automatic #4

Wrapped up like the ugliest present ever given for Easter but with no way to take it back just smash it up instead because it is so fucking horrible it turns your stomach. It was small once, when it wasn't fully made, but then it kept growing and the ugliness jutted out and everyone thought it was a monster and everyone started to hate it even though you loved it but now you hate it too.

Shuffle.

Mrs Bartolozzi- Kate Bush
The Moon- Cat Power
Morning Bell/ Amnesiac- Radiohead
Sad Professor- R.E.M.
Yes, Anastasia- Tori Amos
Virginia- Tori Amos
Straight Thin Line- Frida Hyvönen
If The World Ends- Guillemots
See How I Came Into Town- Frida Hyvönen
This Woman's Work- Kate Bush
The Kick Inside- Kate Bush
Frozen- Madonna
First Orgasm- Dresden Dolls



You're not the type they can capture
you flit like a fly catcher
they can't pin you down
can't pin you down

...


Your heart is way beyond capture
flitting like a fly catcher
they can't pin you down
they can't pin you down

Idiot, slow down, slow down.

I drove home slowly last night. Usually when I drive late at night I drive according to my mood, which is usually fairly upbeat because I'm not at work anymore, so that means that I drive fast(ish) with my music loud. For the past week I've been listening to Emma Pollock's Law of Large Numbers when I'm driving both to and from work. The album has now been reduced to just one song, The Child In Me, which is, for now, my favourite. It's also the first song she plays in the video I posted a few days ago. Anyway, I was relaxed last night. Maybe sluggish, slow and definitely more aware of everything around me. Sometimes it's nice to look. Driving the same back and forth journey all week becomes repetitive and blurry. Nothing is ever different, so auto-pilot kicks in. But last night I strolled and watched and went a different way home. Mainly because I needed petrol, which I also took my time over but didn't necessarily enjoy. £32.88. Argh. I wanted to keep driving. I wanted to go down to the river Humber and watch it for a while, but sadly I've heard that it's a bit of a 'hot spot' for various reasons other than midnight river-watching.

I've been driving for almost three years, but I don't think I've ever just gone 'for a drive'.

Automatic #3

Checking checking it's all about the all sorts and getting them all back safe by the fire and turning it right up so their clothes start to melt. We're all made of plastic and the tin cans will always be tin cans. Funny how everything changes in the evenings when the grass can grow in secret and the owls don't have to flap their wings for anyone.

Automatic #2

Deep breaths with music and coastliners taking people far away then bringing them back to where they wanted to get away from in the first place. They were chased away. bright and bushy once but ground down like pea beans in the farms and bowls of cereal the French people say the hate. There is far far far too much grass here, get a fucking grip and stop worrying. Where do you think she's gone? I can't believe everyone left and took the flower pots with them, what am I going to water now when the stars aren't out the the delete button falls off the wall?

Emma Pollock

This woman is one of my favourites. She was one of the singers, alongside Alun Woodward (Lord Cut-Glass), in The Delgados. They split up after a few incredible albums. Luckily I got to see them live twice in Leeds and Sheffield.

Automatic.

Nothing is outside so maybe we could all go outside and be the only things moving and not concrete. Maybe there will be puddles we can play in, but it's likely that the ladders will be in the way and the dragons will be drinking the world down by the gallon. I want to mean the world to you. I think being higher up is the way and then maybe we could be the sky and see the rivers as being pointless and we'd understand why it matters so much when it rains and doesn't matter so much when it stops raining. They'd tell us the weather and from our balloon and we would be the weather.

2010

Imogen Heap- Manchester
Hole- London
Emma Pollock- York
Patti Smith- London
Peter Gabriel- London
Melissa Auf der Maur- London- Cancelled.
Hole- Manchester + Birmingham
Sia- London
Tori Amos- Bruges, Zurich, Dublin, Finland, Moscow.
Imogen Heap- London


:)

'Those only are happy... who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness... Aiming this at something else, they find happiness by the way... The only chance is to treat, not happiness, but some end external to it, as the purpose of life'

John Stuart Mill

'You're so lucky'

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2010/feb/22/weight-gain-diet

I read the above article on the Guardian website the other day. When I saw the title I was pleased that the paper, or rather Lucy Glennon, had written about something that appears preposterous to most. The vast majority of writing about weight involves scrutinising people for being overweight, or just being of an average weight. The rest of the tripe obsesses over weight loss diets and ways to be thin etc. People who are underweight, for whatever reason, are often considered to be 'lucky' as many others, whether they are actually overweight or just believe themselves to be, see thinness as a goal which, if reached, can be the solution to some of life's problems- and I believe it can be, in terms of confidence etc. The point is that we often want to be what we are not, and when we see people who are what we think we want to be, we are jealous, envious and often disrespectful of what they have been through to achieve their own goals. Personally, I take it as an insult when people who don't know me call me 'thin', 'skinny' or 'lucky'. Maybe, for example, I have had a long-term illness, maybe I have a problem, maybe I dislike being the size that I am- they have no idea. Being underweight can affect someone's life negatively just as being overweight can, but it is not seen this way because our society's ideal is to be thin, but that can bring as many health problems as the opposite. It was just nice to see an article which doesn't see weight loss as a solution, but as a problem.

Nights at the Circus

'Does that seem strange to you? That the caged bird should want to see the end of cages, sir?'







Angela Carter.

The Sky At Night

I watched Sir Patrick talk about the sky.
I wonder if he thinks his life matters.

New.

It's strange to see this. This is the primary school I went to in England for two years. This is where I started being weak and scared. I've wondered before about how everything would've turned out if we had stayed in Scotland. Maybe it wouldn't have been that different because I've always had Tori, and through Tori I found my girlfriend. I wonder if I would've done English at uni, or how I would be with food and all those things.

The next couple of weeks should be good.

Drug Drug Druggy

I've just watched a documentary, BBC's Horizons, about drug taking. It wasn't about illegal drugs, only prescription pills or those available in supermarkets or chemists. The whole programme was quite interesting, especially when you think about how clever a game of chance medicine actually is. I think this is what fascinates Margaret Atwood about the genetic side of science; that we can be in control of us and can and over-rule nature and its intentions. The scientists play. Anyway, intelligence and science are fascinating and necessary, but then there are the side effects and the risks which act as a 'fuck you' to all the scientists, chemists and participants who perform the trials, but we still think it's worth it to try, and we still think we have a right to complain when it all goes wrong. The thing that struck me the most about the programme was the woman who was, and still is, addicted to codeine. She takes over-the-counter pills containing codeine although the pills don't need to contain it as there isn't enough to make any significant difference to the pain relief, but there is enough to become addicted to it. All I could think about was how I used to mess about with Co-Codamol and Zapain by taking the strong ones casually; not even for pain, but for that fuzzy drowsy feeling that made everything seem better. These pills contain 30mg of codeine each. It is a wonderful feeling, even though it makes my nose itch. It makes sleep so much easier and every action, even though it becomes sluggish, becomes so much more enjoyable. The woman was taking 70 pills a day, obviously not containing that much codeine, but just enough to keep her going because she had built up such a tolerance to it that she needed more and more just to feel okay. It's just scary how we play. How the drug companies play, and how easy it is to mess up. It still baffles me that people are so bothered about staying alive and 'being okay' in the first place.


Most Poignant Moment award goes to:

Life Without Buildings- The Leanover

if i lose you
if i lose you
if i lose you
if i lose you
uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, mmm
if i, if i, if i, if i, if i
b-b-b-b-baby g g g, so g g g, you you you
if i lose you
if i lose you
uh huh, uh huh
if i lose you in the street
if i lose you in the street
if i lose you in the street at night
if i lose you in the street
if i lose, don't be sad
if i lose you in the street
if i lose you in the street, hey
if i lose you in the street
g g come here come here come
feel for you
kiss me, break my mind, close the door
black steel, break my mind, close the door
black steel, the sight of you falling out
the sight of you
if i lose you in the street, six
if i lose you in the street
i say, i say, i say, i say, i say, i say
wassup, wassup with you?
wassup with your friends?
high hills, high hills
oh i, m b v m b v m b v m b v m b v more m b v hi fi
i wanna see you
stand up, stand up, stand up
in the high hills
don't trade, don't don't i don't trade
don't trade, don't don't i don't trade
may i, may i walk with you?
may i walk with you? uh-oh
in the time takes to slide it back
in the time it changes, recorded at the automat
san francisco mixed with uh-oh
in the time takes to slide it back
in the time it changes shhhhh
emotional chi, emotional chi
come on baby, don't fuss
in the time takes to slide it back
say a what say a what eh eh eh eh eh eh eh
in the time takes to slide it back
questions say what
i like you mostly late at night
hold tight, hold tight, hold tight with a tight
budokan warp, budokan warp, we warp
b b b b b freestyle
i like you mostly late at night
break my mind, break my mind
in the time takes to slide it back
raining in my room, sweet and sleepy
wassup wassup
i can remember i can remember four
we can we can we can we can three
keep us together keep us together keep us together
in the time takes sliding back
in the time takes sliding back
in the time takes sliding back
forever
you can be me, swim
the face of you,
ok the face, we can take it back
i can take you the hills
days like television
days like television
d-d-d-d-d-days like television
face of you, the face of you
in the time takes to slide it back
in the time takes to slide it back
the face of you, for, that's all
should i wait for you s f l
should i wait for you?
should i wait for you?
come on, should i?
never forget who you are
there's no reason
d-d-d-d-d-d-d girls
there's no reason wassup
responsibility, free
in the time takes sliding back
in the time
responsibility, girls
d-d-d-d-d-d-d break
wassup
i don't trade
wassup
i don't trade
yeah yeah
i don't trade
wassup
contact, contact, just sweet remember contact
boom, contact, contact
that's the way, your first, your last, your only contact
uh-oh, uh-oh, contact
the first, the last, the only
bounce, twirl
i don't trade
i don't trade
yeah yeah
in the time takes sliding back
in the time takes sliding back
je danse, je suis
in the time takes sliding back
contact
je suis, je danse
d-d-d-d with a bit of freestyle
in the time takes sliding back
in the time takes sliding back
should i?
time takes sliding back
contact
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
contact
he's the shaker, baby
in the time takes sliding back
twelve o'clock
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
contact, swallow
twelve o'clock, one o'clock, no pretending
virginia, looking at it last night
virginia plain
recorded at the power plant, yeah
vacant together, vacant together, eyes vacant
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
no pretending, contact, you and me
contact, you and me
wassup, contact
he's the shaker
watch him, i can't stand the way, i don't like it
contact
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
i can't stand the way, i don't like it
contact
i don't like twelve o'clock either
contact
shake it, don't go vacant on me
don't go vacant on me
waiting, contact, shaking, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
watch him, contact, shake it, baby
he's the shaker, baby
don't go vacant, baby
he's the shaker, baby
he's the shaker, baby
i can't stand the rain, i don't like it at all

Canongate

'The definitive collection of Bukowski's poetry, The Pleasures of the Damned, is being published in the UK for the first time. Bukowski is one of those poets who gets stolen regularly from bookshops, which just goes to show what a popular guy he is. So don't miss out on this 'best of the best' collection – but please don't steal it. Also available is the new edition of Howard Sounes's biography - Charles Bukowski: Locked in the Arms of a Crazy Life.'


YES!